My mother-in-law hates me

Dear Pastor,

I am a 23 and I have been living with a 25-year-old man for two years. He never listens to me.

If we have a discussion and we agree to do certain things together, he asks his mother for her advice. I told him that he shouldn't do that because we are old enough to make our own decisions. He said he did not grow up with his father and his mother is the one he relied on for any advice. I told him I understand that, but now he has me and I will not lead him astray; so we should learn to trust each other.

His mother is a 'warner woman'. When I met this man, I encouraged him to save. He told me that he was, so I asked him to prove it and I found out he was giving his money to his mother to save it in her account. His mother was not very happy when he told her that he was opening an account with me and would give me the money. She told him that he should not trust me because I could leave him at any time as we do not have children. When he got his pay, I asked him for the money and he gave me some of it. We went to the bank and told them that we wanted to open a new account. The bank told us that we could have a joint account and we agreed. He told his mother and she warned him again to be careful.

This woman and I don't have any argument. I do not know why she does not love me. My boyfriend told her that he would like to marry me and she told him that he should wait until he has a child with me. But I have been using protection, so he will not get me pregnant. I will not steal his money; whatever he gives me to put in the account, that is what I put. He is a good man, but he is a mama's boy. I asked him if he tells his mother how often we make love; that made him very upset.

There is another man who loves me and has been encouraging me to leave my boyfriend. He has his own home, but he is more than twice my age. He has two children. I like him, but I have never gone to bed with him. He said age is just a number. I like my boyfriend, but I cannot stand his mother. I don't know what to do. This other man has been inviting me to go with him for a weekend. I am tempted to go. He can offer me much more than my boyfriend. This man drives a nice car. My boyfriend own a motorbike. He knows my boyfriend, and he asks me when my boyfriend will buy me a car. I told him we are not ready for that.

What should I do?

H.J.

Dear H.J.,

This young man should stop taking advice from his mother. Whatever you have discussed together should not always be shared with her.

Nothing is wrong if a man is very close to his mother. This man grew up without a father in his life, but he is behaving as if she is still giving him breast milk. There comes a time in a man's life that he should listen to his woman, and whatever arrangement they make should be between them. He shouldn't be running to his mother for advice.

You said this woman does not like you. I don't think you are the problem. Any woman her son is involved with will have to get her approval. You are quite correct in protecting yourself. A woman should not have to get pregnant before a man marries her. So she has given her son very bad advice.

Lots of people in Jamaica say that Rastamen want women who have children by them before they marry them. I know for sure that is not true. A couple came to see me and made arrangements for their wedding. They were living together for a long time and this woman did not get pregnant. However, on the wedding day, the man held her hand and started to say the marriage vows. He broke down in tears and I couldn't understand it. Then I was told that many people discouraged him from getting married to this woman. However, soon after he got married, he got her pregnant. She was very happy, and he was elated. God really and truly blessed that union.

You have been protecting yourself from pregnancy; I think you are a smart woman. Ignore that man who has been encouraging you to leave your boyfriend. Tell your man that both of you should go and see a family counsellor and receive counselling if you believe that you have a future together. I wish both of you well.

Pastor