Boyfriend keeps talking about my ex-lover

Dear Pastor,

I am having a relationship with a man who I love him very much. He met me when I was seeing another guy. I broke up with the other man and came straight to live with this guy. Whenever we have a fuss, he tells me that I am no good and he can't trust me because I used to cheat on the other guy. It is not that I used to cheat; I left the guy I was living with because I saw no future with him.

My boyfriend is always 'throwing dirty water' in my face. Every mistake I make, he mentions the other fellow and he tells me that I am no good. I know I am not a bad girl. But this man only wants me to hear what he says, but not to respond. I cannot live like that, because I have my own opinion. It is very humiliating to me to just listen and never answer him. When night comes, he wants to touch me or roll me over. If I object, he says, "Come, let us make it up."

I told him that having sex with him is not a good way to make up our argument. We should discuss the matter before going to bed. I have seen my boyfriend masturbate on himself or on the sheet because I refuse to have sex with him. When he does that, I have to get up and change the sheet that I was using to cover up myself. One night my boyfriend did that twice, and after the second time, I took my pillow and slept on the floor.

Tell me if that is right. He said he did that because I am spiteful. I was not trying to spite him. I was only withdrawing my affection for him because of his attitude towards me. Why can't some men reason with their women instead of trying to shut them up and expecting them to open up to them in bed?

I asked my boyfriend why he has to tell me about my past relationship. He said nothing is wrong with that; he only does it to get me to understand that he is a better man than the guy I left. He told me that he knows that I am not cheating on him, so I need not fear. Please tell me how to deal with this man whenever he raises any argument about my former boyfriend.

F.S.

Dear F.S.,

This man is not behaving as if he is mature. He shouldn't try to embarrass you by telling you about your past lover.

A mature man wouldn't have to do that; and you need to tell him that your past is your past and you cannot do anything about it. It is behind you and if he did not want you, he should not have got involved with you.

Listen to me, there are some men who are always referring to a woman's past. These men sometimes say some very embarrassing things to their women, and the women cry about it. I remember a dear lady said to me that while making love to her husband, she tried to express herself in a certain way and he interpreted that to believe that she was a bad girl before she met him. So she pulled back and let him have his way after that experience.

You need to tell your boyfriend that if he continues to taunt you about your past, you might leave him, because you were sure that he was not a perfect man when both of you met. Don't worry yourself; continue to try your best, but don't allow him to put you down by his out-of-order remarks.

Pastor