My husband is a snake in the grass

Dear Pastor,

I am 31 years old and I am having a problem with my husband. At the moment, I am pregnant and he is not paying me the attention that I think I deserve.

He was living in the USA and he resigned his job and came to Jamaica and got married to me. We were friends for a long time -- nearly 10 years -- because we were lovers since he was living in Jamaica. He went to the USA and got involved with another woman and then he told me that he was going to leave that woman because he could not get me out of his mind. I asked him if he was sure that he wanted to be with me and he said yes.

He came back to Jamaica and we got married and that is the time he told me that he has two children -- one with this same woman and another girl.

One night we were in bed and he said he had a confession to make. I asked him what it was and he said that the confession was that his other babymother is a married woman. He said it should not have happened but he went to her house to fix a leak that they had, the woman offered him something to eat and drink, and after eating and drinking, she told him that she was having problem with her husband and it was a long time she didn't have sex. She came onto him and he did not resist her.

So they had sex. But the husband thinks that the child that she carried is his. But the woman and himself know that he is the father of the child. And the child resembles him. But the man accepted the child as his own.

Pastor, if I had known these things about him, I would not have married him. He has deceived me and I would never have allowed him to get me pregnant. Every time I think of my pregnancy, I regret what I am going through. If I had known these things about him earlier, I would have had an abortion.

I am a practising Christian, I don't pretend to be one. I don't know if I can live with this man anymore. I told my mother what I am going through and she said I should try and forgive him and take care of my baby. The two children that he has are living in the States. The first child's mother is his first cousin. He said he did not want to marry her because it would not have been the proper thing for him to do, as they are related. I don't want to continue living with this man although my mother said the children shouldn't affect me.

My husband goes to the USA often, and how can I be sure that when he goes there he does not visit these women? How can I trust this man? After I have my baby, I will have to decide whether I want to remain with him. He has a good job, but so do I. I am satisfied with the money that I earn. Both of us own the house in which we live and we are paying the mortgage. I don't know what to believe when he told me about this woman who came on to him while he was working at her house. I have found my husband to be a liar.

My relatives think that he is such a good man, but he is a snake in the grass.

A.

Dear A.,

I am sorry to hear that this man has deceived you. In a real sense, you can see him as a person who has destroyed your spiritual life. Both of you have known each other for 10 years and I am assuming that, while he was living in the United States of America, he did not only call you, but he visited you from time to time.

Perhaps you thought you were going with a perfect gentleman, but you were so wrong. He had a relationship with his first cousin. How did that happen? I am sure that he knew what he was doing. He got her pregnant but didn't tell you. Then he got a married woman pregnant and did not inform you either.

He came back to Jamaica and married you and got you pregnant, and, only recently, he informed you about these two children. He is a deceiver and I could see why you would find it difficult to live with this man and to trust him. I could understand why your mother is telling you that these children are not living in Jamaica, so they should not affect the relationship you are having with your husband.

Your mother wants you to be happy and she means well. She doesn't believe in her heart what she told you, but she doesn't want you to worry. How can you really trust a man who has a child with his first cousin, and another child with a married woman? I believe that, if you are careless, after you have given birth to your first child, if you remain with him, he will attempt to get you pregnant again.

Sometimes I tell women what they should do, and I make no apology for doing so, but in your case I am just going to make a suggestion. Try your best not to worry over your situation. Take care of yourself and follow the instructions from your doctor. After you have given birth and you feel physically strong, make an appointment to see a family counsellor. I further suggest that you have a talk with a lawyer concerning your marriage. Do not discuss your husband and what he has done with anybody in your family or even with your friends. Ask your mother not to say anything to anyone about your relationship with him. That is all I want to say right now.

Pastor