Can’t get over my dead husband

Dear Pastor,

I am 40 and I am having a problem. Five years ago I lost my husband. He meant everything to me. I thought I would never get involved with another man, but then I met this charming man who was my best friend's brother.

We started to go out and he showered gifts on me. All I wanted was companionship. I did not want to live with a man. My husband was a much older man, but this man is in my age group.

When I met my husband he had his own house and he was able to help his children to buy their own homes. He had a son and a daughter. He left his house to me and money for his children. The children are always in touch with me and they encouraged me to get married again if I found a lovely gentleman. So this guy knows that if he has his eyes on my house, he is wasting his time.

When I met him, he asked me about my house and I told him that it will be passed down to one of my nephews. He started to attend church with me. Some of my church friends encouraged me to marry him. That is what he wanted to hear. The first time we tried to have sex, it was a disaster because my dead husband showed up in my mind. I could not function properly, so the next time we were going to have sex, we went into the guest room. But it was difficult for me to be aroused because I kept thinking of my former husband. So this man playfully slapped me a few times and asked what was wrong. I told him I was not ready for sex. He told me that if I loved him, I would be ready.

I now realise that I have not got over my husband. Whenever I don't see this man, I miss him, but I miss my husband more. I know it is not fair to this man, but I compare him to my husband all the time. I told his children about this man and how I compare their father to him and his daughter said I cannot bring back their father so I should try and get over him. It is hard to get over a good man, especially when I think how poor I was and how he has left me financially strong.

Do you think that I should marry this man? Whatever you say, I will do.

Y.G.

Dear Y.G.,

I suggest that if you are not ready to get married, you should not allow this man or anyone else to push you into it. I want you to know that it is not unusual for a woman to continue to moan over her late husband, even though it has been a long time.

Some women have not been able to move on. Some women do not even allow anyone to use the same drinking glass or cup that he used while he was alive. This man meant the world to you. If he did not treat you well, you would not miss him so much. Some women are able to remarry within a year and some men who have lost their wives get married about six months later. Your husband's children are evidently concerned about you and they want to know that you are happy. But I repeat, don't allow anyone to force you.

Having said the above, let me hasten to suggest that if you find yourself loving this new man, make some changes in the house. The house does not have to look exactly how it was when your husband was alive. If you do not wish to change the furniture, you can change the arrangements. But if you can afford to change them, do so. Give away or sell the bed on which you and your husband slept. Change up the bathroom, and stop talking about your husband all the time in the presence of this new man. Put all his pictures in an album. If he had a study, put a couple of his pictures there. If you do not feel comfortable removing all his photographs, let them remain where you have them.

Lastly, make an appointment for this man and you to see a family counsellor. But if you don't believe that you need another man in your life, remain as you are. I wish you well.

Pastor