Finding the perfect mate is nearly impossible

January 14, 2020

It seems like at this time of the year, everybody is ready to do something about their lives, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. For a few years I facilitated speed dating events around Kingston, where I would pair 20 men and 20 women seeking to make a match.

What was unique about how I executed my event was the fact that I would interview each participant before they get to sign up. The process was to ensure that I didn’t get anyone who is not really available and to make sure that I can create a good match using the data that I learned from the interview.

During this process, I always noticed a major obstacle in how these single, eager people can’t seems to make a meaningful connection with a prospective partner: they set impossible standards. I specifically recall talking to some of the women and when I ask: what are you looking for in a partner? They have a very long list that sometimes includes: must be rich and successful, must have time to spend with me on weekends, must love kids, must support me and my dreams, must be in shape and healthy, must not have any children.

And for the men, their responses are: must have a good job, must be domestic, must be sexually adventurous, must cater to my needs, and must be loyal. Looking at these lists, it was easy to see why they are unable to find someone to suit their requirements.

After looking at these lists, it’s just not reasonable to expect all these things from the same person. For example, if he is rich and successful, it’s unlikely that he would have time to hang out on weekends. And if she is working full-time, then she’s not likely to be able to execute all the domestic duties as well as be sexually adventurous at the same time.

For the most part, women want a rich, kind, romantic, supportive man, and men want a porn-star housewife with a good job – in other words, movie characters. In real life, all those attributes don’t travel together and there is no such thing as perfect or happily ever after. I think it’s important that people recognise that movies are filled with actors, and real people have flaws and real relationships have challenges.

Instead of trying to find someone that meets some impossible standards, try working on being the best version of yourself so you can attract someone who sees your authenticity. There are so many unpredictable factors in life, so finding someone who is on the same page with similar goals is a great place to start. We spend so much time trying to find the perfect mate that we forget to work on being an effective partner.

Get rid of the impossible list and focus on finding someone you like and see where it goes from there.

Send your questions or comments to or tweet me @drsexyann, or Facebook Dr Sexy Ann. Visit my website:

Other Commentary Stories