Cheating on my sick wife

January 21, 2020

Dear Pastor,

I am a 41-year-old man who reads your column and I am having a problem. My wife is 42, but she has not been well and it is very hard on me. My elder sister is staying with us, so she helps to take care of my wife. My wife and I have been married for 10 years.

My sister has a boyfriend. He lives and works in the country. Sometimes he comes up to see my sister. She asked me if he could stay with her at the house when he comes and I reasoned it out in my mind and told her that he could stay with her, but he shouldn't make it a habit.

Last October was her birthday. Her boyfriend came to spend the weekend, but ended up staying with us for a whole week. I pay my sister $9,000 weekly and when her boyfriend was at the house, my sister ate and drink the same way she did not even buy a pound of sugar to use for themselves. When he left and I mentioned it to her, she said that I should be reasonable because she could have left that week and go down to the country and spent the time with him. I backed off and told her that she was talking sense.

One of the reasons why I don't say much about what is happening with my sister is because of the condition of my wife, and there is another reason; that is because my wife and I cannot have sex.

I have been friendly with a girl that my wife does not know about, but my sister knows. And when I am gone to be with the girl, my sister lies for me if my wife asks her any question.

I don't know what is going to happen. When I started to have sex with this girl, it was just sex and nothing else, but these days I have become emotional with her and if she doesn't sees me, she would call me repeatedly until she gets me.

Pastor, I don't want my wife to find out. This girl that I am seeing is in her 20s and I took her virginity, so whenever I tell her that we shouldn't see each other so often, she reminds me that I am her first and I took her virginity, and I feel guilty about it.


Dear T.B.,

You have to prepare for the worst. If this young girl with whom you have become involved tries to spite you by telling your wife that both of you are having an affair, you should admit it and tell your wife what has caused you to 'go astray', but you should add that she is only complaining to your wife because you have tried to end the relationship with her.

Now, some may say that to admit it to your wife, who is ill, may worsen her condition. So it's a risk you have to take. Your sister is keeping secrets for you, but one day she may divulge everything. Try your best to get this young woman to understand that as a married man, it is difficult for you to pretend or to behave as if you are not married. And now that you have become attached to her, your marriage can be in danger and you have no intention to leave your wife although she is not well.

My dear sir, you don't have to respond all the time when this young woman calls you. She constantly reminds you that you were her first; you took her virginity, so to speak. You cannot put that back together again, so you should probably tell her that you are sorry about that. And you condemn yourself for doing so as a married man, but that is no reason why you should put your marriage in danger by continuing to have an affair with her.


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